Romance, Emus, and Cereal Spoons
by Molly of Ozz
Summary: The story of two...odd girls who get sucked into Middle Earth. Yeah, yeah, I know it's overdone, but this has a few unique twists (emus!). Co-written by author Legalan Greenleaf. This is my first fic, so please be kind. Also, please read and review!
1. Default Chapter

Romance, Emus, and Cereal Spoons  
A LOTR FanFiction by:  
LegalanGreenleaf a.k.a Laura  
And  
The Great Molly of Ozz a.k.a Molly  
  
  
Chapter One  
'Twas quite a typical day in the life of Branwyn O'Roarak. Well, as typical as days can   
be for Branwyn O'Roarak. Her best friend, Lily Anderson, was over for a sleepover/Lord of the Rings-athon.   
It was thundering and lightning outside, and the sky was a disturbing shade of dark black. But   
neither girl noticed, for currently, they were counting the number of times Frodo blinked. Which   
was not a lot.  
"Oh! Five! Five!" Lily yelled triumphantly. "That wasn't five!" Branwyn said grumpily. "He  
just lowered his lids. Dosen't count." She crossed her plump arms over her chest. "Fine then." Lily said,  
pouting slightly, but knowing not to argue, because Bran could be quite... forceful.... when   
debating.  
"That was five." Bran said, pointing up on the screen, where Frodo had clearly not blinked.   
"Whatever." Lily said, smirking at Bran's childish display.   
Lily and Bran had been friends since....forever. Since before they both could remember.   
And they were different as night and day. Lily was short and thin (no curves at all), with straight  
medium length blond hair and bright, light blue eyes. Bran was tall and fat, with waist-length   
wildly curly dark brown hair and reddish-brown eyes.  
"Hey? What's that?" Bran asked, quickly getting up and approaching the television. Despite  
her weight, she was actually quite light on her feet. "What?" Lily asked, getting up more slowly.  
"That." Bran pointed to the screen. A small warp was beginning to form on the screen. There was a  
particularly loud clap of thunder, and then the lights went out.  
"Well, this is good." Bran's voice came out of the darkness. "Hey, look at the screen!" Lily  
exclaimed. The warp was now taking up the entire screen, and was a twisted lime green and neon   
purple, with a small black dot in the middle. The colors swirled 'round and 'round, and both girls  
eye's were drawn inexplicably towards them.  
"Wow...." Lily whispered, her small, thin hand reaching up towards the screen. "Lily, NO!"  
Bran yelled.   
And at that moment, time stood still. Bran's outstreched hands reached towards Lily, whose  
hand was now not even a fraction of an inch away from touching the screen. Bran's eyes were opened  
wide with fear for her friend.  
All too soon, time resumed. Bran's hands reached Lily just in time to send them both   
tumbling into the green and purple warp.  
***********  
Both girls were frozen in midair. Below them, a dense forest lay, and before them was an   
amazing castle, punctured by waterfalls.   
Guess which direction they fell?  
"I think I broke my arse."   
"It's a good thing these spiney pine trees were here to break our fall."  
"Good thing? I'll be picking barbs out of my hair for weeks!"  
"That's your problem."  
"LILY!"  
"Do you maidens need some help up there?"  
Lily and Branwyn looked down at exactly the same time.   
"LEGOLAS!"  
"Uhm, yea. That is my name. May I be so bold as to inquire yours? And why you are up in that particularly spiney tree?"  
"No." Bran said tersely.  
"We fell." Lily said, giving Bran a sharp look.   
"From where?" Legolas asked, by now quite confused.   
Lily pointed upwards, as Bran quickly calculated the angle and velosity of which she would fall if she were to throw herself out of the tree.   
"Up there?" Legolas asked, as Bran settled for rolling out of the tree.  
"Ooph! Damn." Bran muttered. Legolas looked scandalized. "A fair maiden such as yourself should not use such foul language!"   
"Oh really?" Bran said, cocking an eyebrow while Legolas nodded emphatically. "Well, bullshit."  
Legolas' eyes nearly bulged out of his head, and his hand came over her mouth. Lily's eyes almost bulged out of her head for different reasons. "Uhm, I still need help."  
"Wait your turn!" Bran shouted up. "I shall help you, fair maiden." Legolas volunteered chivalrously.  
This earned another eyebrow cock from Bran. Lily nearly fainted.   
Bran shrugged. "Suit yourself."  
TEN MINUTES AND ONE VERY SPINEY LEGOLAS LATER:  
"I told you we should have left her there."  
"Oh, do shut up, Bran."  
Legolas looked back at both of them. "Is that your name, Bran?"   
"Branwyn." She answered back. "Branwyn O'Roarak. And this is my friend, Lily Anderson."  
Legolas smiled. "Lily. A beautiful name." When this earned a glare from Bran, he added   
hastily, "Branwyn, too, is a name of beauty."  
Branwyn seemed satisfied with this answer, and began to placidly observe the scenery. "She   
does that often?" Legolas inquired of Lily. "You get used to it." Lily remarked casually. Legolas  
cast an amused look towards Lily, who was now quietly making conversation with her friend.   
"How did we get here?" Lily asked, softly but urgently. "I suppose a wormhole." Bran replied,  
her mind not wholly fixed on the conversation, but on the back of Legolas's golden head. "Where'd  
you hear that?" Lily demanded. "Some TV show on the Discovery Channel." Bran replied. Lily,   
following Bran's gaze, then smirked.  
"You like him." It was a statement, not a question, and for that, Bran was thankful. She   
gave a crisp nod. "I don't know why you're so mean to him."   
To this, Bran shrugged. "I suppose it's a natural defense to shield my heart from being   
broken." To this, Lily snorted. "Where'd you hear that one?" "Ricki Lake."  
Legolas's sweet voice inturuppted their flow of speech. "Ladies, I would like to welcome   
you to Rivendell."  
"Rivendell..." Both girls whispered in awe. "Beautiful..." Bran said, uncharacteristically.  
Legolas smiled at her. Bran quickly snapped out of it and glared at him. Legolas just chuckled   
and rode the two girls into the amazing palace grounds.  
"Legolas!" A warm and friendly voice called out. Legolas jumped lightly off his horse,   
followed gracefully by Lily, and not so gracefully by Bran. Lily winced at the hard thud.   
"Aragorn! My dear friend!" Legolas cried. "And who are these beautiful maidens?" The dark  
haired man inquired, looking at Lily, who blushed. Bran snorted. "Branwyn O'Roarak and Lily Anderson."  
Legolas said.  
"Lily. A beautiful name." Aragorn said, his lips lightly brushing against Lily's hand. Bran  
glared at him, and he added hastily, "Branwyn, too, is a name of beauty." Bran snorted loudly and  
shoved both hands in her pockets.  
"Interesting attire you wear, fair maidens." Aragorn noted, his eyes moving quickly over   
Lily's outfit, consisting of a pair of black jeans with flames on the bottom, a black flamed bandana  
top, and black trenchcoat, and Bran's outfit of black and yellow striped athletic pants and a yellow   
shirt covered by a lowcut black one (a/n: Overly descriptive run ons RULE!).  
"Yep." Bran said, and turned to study an interesting looking tree.   
"Problem?" Lily asked. Aragorn shook his head, frankly enjoying the way the pants clung   
in all the right places.  
It was at that time that two sandy headed young elves ran up and took the reins to Legolas'   
horse. "We'll take him to the stable, Master Legolas." They said in unison.   
"Thank you, Coranar, Adan." Legolas nodded at the two elves, who smiled and took off with  
the horse. "Oh! I would like to speak with your brother soon!" He called after them. The boys   
nodded and hurried off to the grand and royal stables.   
"Who were they?" Lily asked.  
"The younger brothers of a very old friend of mine." Legolas responded. Then turned towards  
Aragorn. "I should want to take these ladies to meet with Elrond. They claim they fell out of the  
sky."  
"Why else would we be up in a tree?" Bran called out, apparently having heard Legolas'   
comment even from the tree at the far end of the courtyard. She slowly began meandering over to where  
the two men and her best friend stood. "I'll be in the stables." She said lightly, and walked off.  
"Odd one, isn't she?" Aragorn asked, watching her walk off, taking time to stop and look   
at all the pretty flowers.   
"Yep." Lily said.  
*********  
"Hey, HEY!" Bran called after the two young elves, the very same ones who had taken Legolas'  
horse. "He-ey!"  
The two finally turned around. "Jeez-us." Bran muttered. "What?" The two said, again in   
unison. Bran rolled her eyes and began, "These are very nice horses..."  
"Would you like to buy one?"  
"No!" Bran exclaimed. "I can't even ride a horse. Jeez."  
The two boys looked at each other. "Huh?"  
Bran sighed and shook her head. "Do you always do that?"  
"Do what?"  
"That!"  
"What?"  
"Talk in unison! It's annoying!"  
"Oh."  
Bran sighed heavily. "No cooperation."  
"Do you-"  
"-need something-"  
"-my lady?"  
"Okay, go back to the unison thing. That's REALLY annoying."  
"Okay."  
"What are your names?"  
"Coranar and Adan, at your service, milady."  
"What's with this 'milady' crap?"  
Both elves looked offended.   
"What?"  
  
**********  
LATER ON, IN ELROND'S LIBRARY THINGY:  
"So, you say you both... Fell from the sky?" Elrond asked, disbelievingly.  
"That's about the size of things." Bran said, beginning to pour herself a fourth glass of  
wine.  
"Yep." Lily said, nursing her second and putting her hand on top of Bran's goblet with a   
stern glare. Bran stuck out her tounge and crossed her eyes at her, but did not pour the glass,   
choosing instead to steal Lily's.  
Lily calmly jabbed her in the ribs, stealing back her glass and chugging the entire thing  
down.  
"Uhm, yes." Elrond said, staring oddly at both girls.   
"I got something on my face?" Bran asked, trying to locate a mirror.   
"Moving on..." Elrond turned to Legolas, "The second council of Elrond takes place in three  
days. What do you plan to do with..." He jerked his head back towards the bickering Lily and Bran.   
"That's mean." Lily said, Bran's neck trapped in her left hand and her right poised in a   
slapping position. Elrond nodded slightly, backing away as if she were something vile.   
"And, you plan to do...?" Elrond dropped off, guesturing for Legolas to continue.   
"Take them with me."  
"To the Council?" Elrond exclaimed.  
"They're no worse than dwarves."  
"Point taken, duly noted."   
Legolas nodded. "Milord, I ask to take leave to get these two... Freshened up."  
Elrond quickly moved his eyes up and down the girls. Bran (straddling Lily's abdomen and   
closed fist raised) still had pine barbs stuck in her hair.   
"Go ahead." 


	2. The Grand Feastything

Chapter Two  
"A DRESS!?"  
A distressed cry echoed throughout all of Middle Earth.  
"Yes." Legolas replied calmly.  
"No way in heaven or earth am I wearing a DRESS!" Bran cried out.   
"You can't go naked." Lily said, admiring herself in the mirror.  
"Oh, dresses are fine for you, Miss I Make Everything Look Good, but we FAT people need our athletic   
pants! Our TWO HUNDRED DOLLAR TOMMY HILFIGER ATHLETIC PANTS!"  
"I think you'd look nice in a dress." Legolas cut in.  
"If you say so." Bran said cheerily.  
Lily sighed and rolled her eyes. "Moron."  
***********  
An hour later, Bran had managed to 'squeeze her gigantic arse', into a very nice looking   
dress. Wine red with gold trimming. Next to anyone but Lily, she would have looked stunning.  
Lily wore an off-the-shoulder white dress with dark red pimpernels around the waist and on the hemline of the shoulders.   
"Lily, you look... beautiful." Legolas commented. Bran glared at him. "Bran, too, you look beautiful."   
Bran snorted disbelievingly and stalked off down the grand and marvelous hallway.   
"What's her problem?"  
A bit further on down the grand and marvelous hallway, Bran ran into the two young elven boys from the   
stable.  
" 'Evening, Coranar, Adan." Bran said pleasantly.  
"Good evening, milady." The boys said... in unison.  
"I'll just pretend that doesn't bug me." Bran told them.   
"Alright." They smiled cheerily.  
"Nevermind." Bran rolled her eyes and began to walk off, when a voice stopped her.   
"Wait!"  
Bran turned quickly, causing herself to fall on her butt. "Ow...."  
A male elf approached her. "Are you alright, mi-"?  
"Yes." Bran cut him off.  
"Oh." The elf said, looking a bit put out. Nevertheless, he held out his hand anyway to help her up.  
Bran glanced at it, and helped herself up.   
Again, the elf looked put out. "I have not seen you around here...." He said, dropping off.  
"That's not surprising." Bran said without elaboration.  
"Oh." The elf said again. "May I be so bold as to inquire your name?"  
"No. But I'll give it to you anyway." Bran said. "I'm Branwyn O'Roarak."  
"Branwyn, a name of beauty."  
Branwyn turned and looked at him appraisingly. Then she grinned at him. "What's yours?"  
The elf looked a little flustered at her sudden question. "Sulel." He answered. "It means 'windstar'."  
Bran cocked an eyebrow. "I bet it does."  
Sulel blushed. "I hope my younger brothers were not bothering you, mi-"  
"They weren't. And please, cut the 'milady' crap."  
Instead of looking offended, Sulel actually smiled. "As you wish, mi-"  
"Ah, ah, ah..."  
"Branwyn."  
"Better."  
"Bran!"  
Bran turned to see Lily and Legolas approaching her.   
"Hullo, I was just talking to...."  
Bran glanced around her, but the other elf was gone.  
"...Myself."  
Legolas stared at her, and Lily giggled. "Well, can't keep Elrond the magnificent waiting." Lily said perkily.   
"I suppose not." Bran said slowly, still looking for Sulel. "Where'd that bastard go?" She muttered under her breath, just loudly enough for Legolas to have a semi-seizure. She could have been mistaken, but she thought she heard a chuckle coming from the far left pillar.  
"We're off?" Lily asked, for she had been itching to show off her lovely new dress.  
"I suppose." Bran said. The three entered the dining hall, and Bran was assaulted with the sweet smells of roasting meats, and cooking vegetables. Legolas led both girls to their seats, and insisted on serving their plates, much to the displeasure of Bran.  
"I'm a vegetarian." She said quickly as Legolas tried to pile meats on top of her plate.  
"Since when?" Lily asked.  
"Now." Bran told her.   
Lily rolled her eyes. "Juvenile."   
"What was that?"  
"Nothing."  
"That's what I thought."  
Lily noticed Legolas' eyes scanning the dining hall. "Who're you looking for?" She asked.   
"A good friend." Legolas answered evasively.  
"Look no further." Came a deep, melodic voice from behind the sweet elven prince.  
Bran's head whipped around at the sound of the voice. "Sulel?"  
The elf blushed. "O-oh, Miss Branwyn. I did not see you there."   
Bran cocked an eyebrow. "Apparently."  
Lily grinned. "Sit down," and pulled Sulel between her and Bran, much to the discomfort of the elf.  
"What's the matter? I don't bite." Bran said, noticing his nervousness.  
"Most of the time, that is." Lily added. Bran reached over Sulel to thwack her friend upside the head.   
Lily tried to scowl, but ended up laughing. Sulel smiled, but said nothing, waiting for a formal introduction.  
"Sulel is a good friend, and the son of my father's chief advisor." Legolas smiled.   
At that, the halls to the hall flew open, revealing a beautiful brunette woman in a pearly white dress. She gracefully walked towards the head table,  
where both Lily and Bran were sitting, as well as Aragorn. "Eww..." Lily and Bran said at the same time. "It's Arwen."  
In some odd twist of fate, Arwen ended up sitting next to Bran, whose eyes were gleaming bright with some unknown emotion. Lily gulped.  
"So, you must be the girl who fell from the sky." Arwen said with a forced smile.  
"I am. My name is Branwyn O'Roarak. This is my friend, Lily Anderson." Bran replied, the maniac glint growing stronger. She picked up a glass of burgundy wine. Her eye twitched.  
"That's such a lovely dr- oops!"   
The entire goblet of wine went pouring onto Arwen's beautiful pearl dress. Bran's eyes widened. Weather it was with shock or pleasure was debatable. "Oh, I'm so sorry!" She exclaimed, not looking one bit of it.  
Arwen's angry face was the same color as the spilt wine, but for the sake of looking good, she forgave Bran with a tight-lipped smile.  
Bran, however, was not finished.  
It was a few minutes before she did anything else, and the entire hall was grateful for those few moments of peace.  
An elf servant wandered by with a large plate of calamari. An opportunity too perfect to miss.  
Bran quickly slid her chair right in front of the unsuspecting servant, tripping the poor elf and sending his plate flying into Arwen's face and hair.  
Arwen shot up out of her seat like a rocket.  
"You!" She screeched, her eyes burning. "You!"  
Bran looked up at the enraged elf with huge, watery eyes. "I'm sorry." Her lip trembled convincingly and she even managed to make herself look smaller.  
"Sit down, Arwen. She didn't mean to." Sulel jumped to Bran's defense as Aragorn tugged on Arwen's arm. "It was an accident."  
Arwen grudgingly sat, casting a dark look towards Bran, who smirked evilly.  
However, when Bran turned to Lily, she found her best friend batting her eyelashes at Legolas.  
Quickly, Bran adverted her eyes and scowled at her plate.  
Lily was not going to hear the end of this. 


	3. The Council of ElrondDude

Chapter 3  
  
THE COUNCIL OF ELROND-DUDE:  
  
"Bran! Hurry up!" Lily cried impatiently.  
"I'm coming, don't get your panties in a bunch!" Bran said testily.  
"Legolas will be here any second!"  
"Well let's not keep LOVER BOY waiting." Bran snapped, stepping out of the washroom in a red velvet dress.  
"Lover boy?" Lily repeated incredulously.  
"Yes. I saw you both at that feast last night, you were flirting ALL OVER HIM!" Bran ranted, pacing the room angrily and looking as if she would like to pick up and throw something.  
"I was not!" Lily said. "You called dibs on him first. I'd never betray you like that!"  
"Really?" Bran asked, her expression clearing.  
"Yup." Lily smiled as her friend returned to normal.  
It was at that moment that Legolas choose to walk in.  
"Lily, you look-"  
Legolas was cut off by a shriek of rage as an expensive looking vase was lobbed out the CLOSED window by an enraged Bran.  
*******  
"Dear friends, new strangers from.... other places. I'd like to welcome you to the second annual council of Elrond!" The elf said grandly.  
There was a smattering of bored applause. "Who's idea was this, anyway?" Some random dwarf-lord asked.   
The elf looked vaguely disappointed at the lack of enthusiasm.   
Lily and Leoglas were sitting together in a section of elves. Bran, in her rage, opted to sit with a group of dwarves. She was highly uncomfortable, and the rude stares she was getting from the dwarf dudes didn't help any, either.  
"First I would like to announce to you all... The engagement of Aragorn, King of Gondor... To my favorite.... daughter, Arwen."   
"How many others does he have?" Lily asked to nothing in particular. Legolas heard, and laughed lightly. Bran cast a murderous glare in Lily's general direction.  
"And my second announcement.... There have been some reports.... Of new activities in Mordor."  
At this, a collective gasp went up from the crowd. Well, actually, Bran yawned.  
"What do you plan to do about this?" Some Random Dwarf shouted.  
"Nothing. Yet. If something more comes out of Mordor, we shall take appropriate action. But until then, all we can do.." The elf spread his arms wide. "Is wait."  
When the crowd remained silent, Elrond announced, "that is all, you may go back to doing whatever it is in your pointless lives that you do."  
*******  
Legolas left the council room with his brow creased in frustration. But not from the threat Mordor posed. Nope, this one was much closer to home.  
Legolas was frustrated about the two girls who had fallen from the sky. Bran and Lily. And more importantly, which one?  
Now, he was perfectly aware that Bran had a *thing* for him. He had heard her say so herself. And of course, she was a pretty girl.  
But then, there was Lily. Obviously the prettier, more mentally stable of the two. But, what about Bran? But Lily was-, Bran was-, it was-..... ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!  
He had to talk to Bran.  
********  
"Lily!"  
"HIPPO!" Lily shouted, startled.  
"Lily, I love you and I forgive everything you've ever done to me, even that stupid toilet trick when we were eight. Oh, Lily, today is wonderful, and I love everything!"   
Lily stared wide-eyed at her friend. Or, who she assumed to be her friend.   
"Bran........"  
"Oh, I have to go now, bye-bye, Lily, my best friend in the entire world!" Bran smiled, stopping on her way out the door to give Lily a bone-crushing hug. Again, she smiled and flounced out the door.  
Still staring, Lily rolled up the sleeve to her gown and pinched her right forearm. Hard.  
"Ow......"  
*******  
"How 'bout, 'Bran, I think that I love you'... No, no, that's not right at all. How 'bout-"  
"How 'bout just telling her how you feel?" Sulel asked. He was tired of listening to his best friend ramble on and on about Bran.  
"No, no, that'll never work. She'll think it's too mushy." Legolas said, waving off his friend's suggestion and continuing to pace around the room. Then, suddenly, he froze. "I know!" He exclaimed.  
"What now?" Sulel muttered, rolling his eyes.  
"I'll tell her how I truly feel!"  
"Genius, Master Legolas, a stroke of pure genius." Sulel said sarcastically.  
"I know." Legolas said mildly.  
********  
Bran hurried out to the garden where Legolas had told her to meet him. In the process, she nearly tripped. She finally found him strolling about muttering under his breath.  
She snuck up behind him, wanting to know what he was talking about but not disturb him.  
Legolas jumped about a foot in the air! "Oh, 'Lo Bran" he said still rather unnerved. "You surprised me!"  
"Did not," Bran said, "you knew I was there because you have better hearing than I do."  
"If you say so..." He broke off, not quite sure how she reasoned that but deciding not to comment on it.  
"Legolas, why did you ask me here?" Bran asked.  
"I asked you because... Well, Bran, I..."  
"What?"  
"Bran, I think I might have certain romantic feelings towards you..." Legolas said.   
"Yes?"  
"Bran, I-I..."  
"Yes?"  
Legolas looked uncertain for about a minute. Then he did something he didn't expect himself to do. He leaned down and kissed her.  
Bran was so shocked, she couldn't even respond for a moment. Then she began to get into it. And that's when Legolas broke away.  
"Bran, I-I'm so sorry. I don't even know where that came from..."  
"Me neither."  
Neither of the two lovers were aware of the cold, red eyes watching them.  
********  
Bran wandered down the halls of Rivendell, trying dazedly to find her room, but not having much success.  
A bark halted her progress.  
"Lucky?"  
A black dog bounded towards her, pink tongue lolling out of his mouth.  
"You shouldn't be here, you know that? You should be back in the kennels." Bran smiled, sitting down to stroke the 'little' black dog. The cloak she was wearing was beginning to slip down her shoulder.   
"C'mon, let's get you back where you-"  
Bran never got to finish that sentence. For just before she could get the last word out, she was snatched up silently by an unseen predator. Lucky barked, and managed to get in one good bite to the intruder's carcass, before both Bran and her kidnapper disappeared into the darkness....  
  
~~~~  
Author's Note: Thank you for putting up with my endless sap. I give you my word that the next chapter will be tons better. And, I also forgot to put disclaimers on this, so, here you go; I do not, nor have I ever owned Lord of the Rings, or any characters (damn!), or titles associated with it. Don't sue me. Please? However, Bran, Sulel, and any other original characters that I may come up with belong to me. Lily is the property of my good friend, Legalan Greenleaf. And, thank you, by the way, to Karate Elf and Toadillia for reviewing. You have my endless gratitude!  
Please read and review everybody! 


	4. When Ems Attack

CHAPTER FOUR, WHEN EMU'S ATTACK.  
By: Molly of Ozz and Legalan Greenleaf  
  
  
"Legolas!"   
The elven prince was woken by Lily's frantic cries.   
"What is it?" He asked, still not fully awake.  
"Bran's been kidnapped!"  
"WHAT?"   
The prince quickly donned proper apparel and followed Lily down the hallway to where Bran was last seen.  
In the middle of the floor was a forest green cloak; the same one Bran had been wearing last night. And in the middle of it was Elrond's most prized dog, Lucky.   
"The dog has refused to get off, and every time someone tries, he goes absolutely nuts!" Lily informed him.  
"What's that?" Legolas asked sharply, nodding towards Lucky.  
"A dog." Lily answered.  
"No! In his mouth!" Legolas cried.  
"OH! I don't know." Lily said stepping forward. "Lucky? Lucky, what have you got there? Hand 'em over."  
The dog, surprisingly, handed over the objects with little reluctance.  
"What is that?" Legolas asked over Lily's shoulder.  
"Feathers. Emu feathers."  
********  
"Wha-what? Where am I? This isn't Rivendell. Eww... It's an emu." Bran awoke in the middle of a dense forest, with an emu butt in front of her face.  
"Shut up." A frankenstien-esque thing/man barked.  
"Dude, it's an emu! And it looks like it's about to take a dump on my head."  
"Better move out of the way."  
"Oh, that's real easy, seeing as how I'm CHAINED UP!" Bran shrieked angrily.  
"I'm not getting paid enough for this."  
********  
"Lily, I don't understand. What's an emu?" Legolas asked for the three hundred billionth time.  
"A large, very large, flightless bird." Lily answered for the three hundred billionth time.  
"So what's that have to do with Bran?"  
"Obviously you fail to recognize what I'm getting at, so I'll put it V-E-R-Y simply. Bran. Was. Carried. Off. By. An. EMU!"  
"Oh." He said simply. "So......?"  
"ARGH!" Lily said, "Get me someone who KNOWS what they're talking about!"  
At that moment Lily and Leggie ran into a very distraught looking Sulel.  
"Is it true?" He asked urgently. "Bran's gone?"  
"It's true alright. Have a look at these." Lily said, thrusting him the feathers.  
"Wha-? Feathers?"  
"Emu feathers." Legolas said, trying to sound knowledgeable.  
"Emu, milord?"  
"A, uh,"  
"A very, very large, flightless bird." Lily answered for him.  
"How? You mean she was carried off by one of these... Emus?"  
Lily, now very stressed out by the kidnapping of her best friend and the general lack of competence in the Rivendell household, backed up against a wall and began to sob uncontrollably. Legolas, feeling that he was in some part responsible (which he was), put his arms around Lily to comfort her.  
Sulel stared at his friend, almost angrily.   
"Don't worry. We'll find Bran." Legolas cooed in Lily's ear. Finally, her sobs wound down into normal tears, and then her tears into occasional choking hiccups.   
"Legolas, we've just got to find Bran. We have to! She's my best friend!" Lily whispered, staring into Legolas' deep blue eyes. "We'll find her." Legolas assured.  
"There's got to be something... A clue to where she's gone." Sulel interrupted.   
"All we know is the emu." Lily choked.  
"But, wasn't there a- a dog there?" Sulel asked.  
"What are you getting at?"  
"Well, I've heard Lucky was there. He's Lord Elrond's best tracking dog. If we could possibly persuade him to follow Bran's trail, we'd find her."  
Lily stared hopefully up at Legolas. He nodded. "That's a great idea!"  
******  
"This is it." The Emu-riding thing/man said, thrusting a chained up Bran in front of him. "Damn it, don't be so rough!" Bran yelled crankily. "We've made a three day journey in a time span of less then twelve hours, I have a right to be slow!"  
"Not if it's Lord Saurman (a/n: Sour-man) you are about to face."  
"You mean Saruman?" Bran asked.  
"NO! Saurman, son of Saruman." The thing/man said.   
Bran stared at the emu-rider. "Whatever."  
The thing/man was beginning to loose its patience. Quickly it heeled the emu so that it kicked Bran square in the stomach.  
Bran doubled over, clutching her heaving abdomen in sheer agony.  
"That will teach you to be properly afraid of the vengeance of Saurman and the emu-riders!" The thing/man screamed, and began to walk Bran much more vigorously towards the halfway built tower of the mysterious 'Saurman'.  
*******  
"My lord Elrond, we seek permission to take out a search party to find Bran...wyn." Legolas pleaded with Elrond.  
With apparent reluctance, Elrond nodded. "Yes. You may take two other men besides yourself."  
"And Lucky, milord." Sulel added.  
"Yes, yes, and Lucky." Elrond nodded.  
"Thank you, milord," Legolas bowed.  
"Get a move on." Elrond said impatatiently, waving his hands at them.  
Lily assaulted the two elves, Legolas and Sulel, right after they left Lord Elrond's meeting chambers.  
"He let you? Good. I'm going with you."  
"What? No!" Legolas exclaimed. "It's too dangerous! You'll get hurt."  
Lily's hard look softened a bit, but her words were no less passionate. "Legolas, that is my best friend out there. And who knows what might have happened to her. You've got to let me go with you!"  
Legolas stared long and hard at the young woman in front of him. "Yes." He said at last. "Yes, you shall come."  
Sulel looked ready to protest, but wisely decided against it. "Master Legolas, the horses have already been prepared."  
********  
"Tell me!"  
"Bite me!"  
"ARGH!"  
More thing/men surrounded Bran and began to beat her up, mercilessly. By the time they were done, she was bleeding profusely.  
"Now tell me!" The head thing/man screamed.  
"Listen...." Bran said weakly.  
The thing man came closer.  
"I don't know what the heck you're talking about and you smell!" Bran screamed in his ear.  
"You KNOW of which I speak! The all-seeing mystical oracle of Rivendell!" The thing screeched.  
"The all-seeing whatty?"  
"ARGH!"  
"Oh! The all-seeing ARGH! Never heard of it."  
"ARGH!!!!!!!!"  
*********  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'WE'RE CAMPING WITHOUT TENTS?'!"  
Sulel rolled his eyes.  
"I am NOT sleeping on the ground!"  
TEN MINUTES LATER:  
"I can't believe I'm sleeping on the ground."  
"Milady Lily, it's quite hard to sleep with you complaining like that." Sulel pointed out.  
"No! Really?" Lily said.  
"Lily, be quiet and sleep." Legolas commanded.  
"NO!" Lily screamed loudly.  
"Well, at least now we can build a fire." Sulel said. "We've already alerted everyone to our presence."  
With that, Lily got up. "Fine! You know that? Fine! If I have to take one more second of your sarcastic remarks, I'm going to leave and find Bran BY MYSELF!"  
"Good luck..." Sulel said under his breath.  
"What was that?" Lily asked dangerously.  
"Sorry, milady. I said, sorry."  
"Oh. Okay."  
Legolas, who had been silent through most of this, valiantly offered Lily his blanket so she wouldn't have to sleep on the ground. Lily, of course, accepted.  
About halfway through the night, the entire company was alerted of another presence by Lucky's frantic bark. Or should I say, presences.  
"Back! Back, you foul demon from afar!"  
CRASH! CRASH! BOOM! BREAKY-NESS!  
Two figures crashed into the campsite.  
"Uh... Legolas?"  
"Yes, Lily?"  
"That is an emu."  
"Oh."  
"I shall slay you!" The mysterious figure fighting the emu yelled.   
The two figures, one man and one emu, clashed violently for a moment, then rolled out of the campsite.  
"Did that scare you too?" Sulel asked.  
The other two just nodded lamely.  
"Wasn't that Aragorn?" Legolas asked.  
"Was he trying to fend off that emu with a cereal spoon?" Lily asked.  
"Since when did he sound so much like Gandalf?" Sulel asked.  
Suddenly, the mysterious man ran back into the campsite.  
"Aragorn?"  
" 'Tis I, Aragorn, King of Gondor. Behold my power and might!"   
"Aragorn, you're scaring me."  
"Oh, uh, sorry." Aragorn said lamely.  
"What were you doing out here anyway?" Lily demanded.  
"Oh, uh, that. Arwen and I had a fight, and she kicked me out."  
"All the way out here?" Sulel exclaimed while Aragorn just nodded.  
"Why were you fending off that emu with a cereal spoon?" Lily finally said, asking the question that everyone had been waiting for.  
"An emu, is that what it was? Well, it stole my sword." Aragorn answered simply.  
"What?!"  
"Well, I was out here in the forest making camp when I heard this noise. I looked around, and right behind me was this gigantic bird. I tried to fend it off with my sword, but to no avail. The bird took my sword and began to chase me with it. I dived and grabbed the first thing I found. A cereal spoon. So, I fought with it all the way to here, and then I tackled it, and it ran away with my sword."  
"Oh." They all chorused.  
"So, what are you doing?" Aragorn asked conversationally.  
"Bran's been kidnapped!" Sulel exclaimed.  
And with that, the seriousness of the situation set in.   
"Bran's been kidnapped?" Aragorn repeated.  
"No, what did I just say?" Sulel asked, exasperated. If the company around him didn't wise up, maybe he would be the wiser to make good on Lily's threat and find Bran himself. He certainly wouldn't mind getting all the glory.  
"No need to get sarcastic." Aragorn admonished lightly.  
Sulel growled.  
"Did you just growl at me?"  
********  
"Tell me where the all-seeing mystical oracle of Rivendell is!"  
"Take a bath!"  
"Tell me!"  
"You smell."  
"Tell me!'  
"No!"  
"Tell me!"  
********  
"I'm tired!" Lily yelled.  
"I'm tired too, of your yelling 'I'm tired'!" Sulel screamed.  
"Well, well, you've got pointy ears!"  
"What kind of insult is THAT, stupid human."  
"Hey!" Aragorn perked up.  
"No offense, Aragorn."  
"Oh. None taken."  
"Back to me." Lily said. " It's a good insult, you elfy, thing."  
"Oh help. I'm so devised by your caustic barbs."  
"Yeah? Well, you should be."  
"You're pathetic!"   
"You're ugly!"  
"I'm not! I'm an elf. Wisest and fairest of all beings."  
"You'd really like to think that, wouldn't you?"  
"At least I can't die."  
"Not necessarily, elf. You can die of a broken heart. Mr. I-can't-get-a-date-with-MY-best-friend, Bran."  
"Ooh." Legolas and Aragorn winced. "Low blow."  
Sulel gasped. Lily smirked. "Ha ha. Got you there, haven't I?"  
Sulel sniffed angrily and stalked away. Aragorn pulled out a notebook.   
Score, Lily; One, Sulel; Zip.  
  
  
~~~~~  
Hi there! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Okay, since I never remember to add these things at the   
beginning of stories, IT'S DISCLAIMER TIME! Here goes; I do not own any part of Lord of the Rings,  
I never have, never will. However, I do own Bran, Sulel, Saurman, Head Thing/Man, and any other products  
of my insane mind. Lily is property of my dear friend, Legalan Greenleaf.  
Okay, now that that's over with, I would like to thank Asa (can't do the nifty circle-y thing on my  
computer), KarateElf (again), and Green and Silver (HI ROSIE!). Thank you all for reviewing! You all  
make me very happy!! Alright, well that's it for now, the next chapter will be out in two shakes  
of a hippo's butt... no, wait, lamb's tail. 


	5. Sarah, Fluffy Sweetums, and Johnny

CHAPTER FIVE  
  
"Tell. Me. Where. The. All-Seeing. Mystical. Oracle. Of. Rivendell. Is. Now. Or. Else. I. Will. KILL YOU!"   
"Listen you foul smelling, emu-riding, freak. I do not, nor have I ever known what the all-seeing mystical oracle of Rivendell is. I. Do. Not. Know. Can you get this through your miniscule head? Or has all the emu-riding rattled your tiny brain so much that you cannot comprehend what I am saying? And you know what? Beating me to a bloody pulp is not going to help, either. I do not know about any all-seeing mystical oracle of Rivendell. I don't, I Don't, I DON'T!" Bran screamed for the five hundredth time.  
"She lies." A wispy voice came from the corner of the huge, dark room.  
"Lord Saurman." The head thing/man gasped, and lowered to one knee.  
A woman stepped out of the corner. Bran gasped.  
"Lord Saurman? I thought they said you were SON of Saruman."  
"I am."  
"Oh. Okay. The Michael Jackson dynamic. Carry on then."  
"As I was saying.... She lies. I know for a fact that she and Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood are romantically involved."  
"And what does this have to do with the oracle? Legolas doesn't even LIVE in Rivendell." Bran said.  
"Shut up, you're ruining my evil plan." Saurman snapped.  
"Oh, by the way, who told you this?" Bran said.  
"My emu, of course."  
"Man, what have you been sniffing?"   
"Sniffing?"  
"Huffing."  
"Pardon?"  
"Nevermind."  
"Head Thing/Man, continue the beatings until she either gives up the information, or dies."  
"Yeah, which ever comes first." Bran said, rolling her eyes.  
"Yes, yes. Carry on."  
********  
Aragorn, Legolas, Lily, and Sulel had been walking in silence ever since that huge argument between Lily and Sulel. Partly because Aragorn had been deprived of nutrients so long his cells began to eat his brain. So he developed a very possessive *thing* towards his cereal spoon. In fact, he dressed in a baseball cap and sneakers and called it Johnny.  
"Hey, you guys." Lily said.  
"What?"  
"We're lost."  
"Ahh, damn."  
"Well, where are we, Johnny my precioussssssss??" Aragorn asked his spoon.  
"Hey, you guys..."  
"What now?"  
"Where's Lucky?"  
"Lucky?" Aragorn asked.  
"Yeah, the black dog we had with us."  
"Oh! You mean that pretty dog we sent back with the girl scouts?"  
"Girl Scouts?"  
"Oh, yes. The pointy-eared girl scouts who told us that we'd had that lovely little dog too long. Oh yes, my preciousssssssssss."  
"Maybe that's why we're lost."  
"Elves are NOT girl scouts!"  
"Coulda fooled me."  
"Shut up, both of you!"  
"It's too damn dark in here..."  
*********  
The head thing/man was about to blow a gasket. "Just tell me where it is.... Please?"  
Bran looked sympathetic. "I'm sorry. But I really don't know anything."  
With that, the thing/man burst into tears. "I'm gonna lose my job! Where will my wife and kids live?"  
"You have a wife? Ewww..... poor her. Oh, I mean, I'm sorry. I really am. But I just don't know. Damn, your kids must be ugly."  
********  
"So where are we?" Lily asked for the three hundred billionth time.  
"The mines of Moria!" Legolas answered for the three hundred billionth time. Now it was Lily who was being the dumbass.  
"How'd we get here?"  
To this, Legolas had no real answer, because he didn't know himself, so he said the first thing that came to mind.   
"It was HIM! Aragorn! He and his stupid cereal spoon transported us here so we would all starve and he could eat us!"   
"Legolas, calm down. It's okay. Breathe deep." Sulel instructed.  
"Right, right.... AHHHH!"  
A resounding 'roar' echoed throughout all the cave/mine thingy.  
"It's the BALROG!" Legolas screeched.  
"I thought it was dead." Aragorn commented.  
"Yay!" Lily yelled. "Fluffy Sweetums!"   
"Fluffy Sweetums?" All three men asked, Aragorn adding a 'my precioussssss' on the end.  
"Yeah! Bran and I renamed the Balrog Fluffy Sweetums because he's so darn cute!"   
"Cute?!" Legolas exclaimed.  
"Well, Bran said it first, but you know, he does seem to grow on you."  
"Hello." Said a creepy voice behind them. All four whipped around.  
"SARAH!" Lily screamed and hugged the poor little goblin, and had to be pried off by Legolas.  
The goblin brushed himself off. Yes, I said himself.  
"I was about to say; keeper of the Balrog, but Sarah will do fine."  
"Sarah?" Sulel asked.  
"Bran's idea. It grew on me." Lily said. Then she turned back to Sarah the he-goblin. "Could you and Fluffy Sweetums please show us the way out of here?"  
"Got an English muffin?"  
Lily elbowed Aragorn, who looked in his pack. "Heeeeeeeey, look, an English muffin, my preciousssssssssssssssssss-ooph!" He grunted when again Lily elbowed him in the ribs. She took the yummy English muffin and handed it to the confused looking goblin.  
"Here you go!"  
"Yum.... English muffin-y."  
"Yeah, yeah, can we just get out of here?" Sulel asked impatiently.  
Sarah looked up with a mouthful of muffin. "Oh, yeah. Go straight, then take a right at the fifty foot gap between the stairs, right, left, then right again, until you reach a bridge, then double back and ask me again."  
At the aggravated glares he was receiving, he sighed and pointed to an open door two feet away from the foursome. "Or, you could just go through there."  
Lily smiled. "Thank you, Sarah!"  
"Anytime." The goblin said before hobbling back into the hellish bowels of the mines of Moria again.  
"Waste of a perfectly good English muffin. I could've found that." Sulel grumbled.  
"Our muffin, my preciousssssssssssssss-ooph!" With that, Aragorn tripped on a rock and went careening down the mountains and through the fields until he reached the forest of Lothlorien.  
"Oh, goody."  
*********  
"Well, it all started when I was six. My father never hugged me once. My mom was always making excuses for him. That really does some damage to a kid's mind, you know? I guess that's when I started getting violent."   
"That's good. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem." Bran said to the head thing/man.  
"Head Thing/Man, what on middle-earth is going on here?" A feminine voice wafted from a dark corner.  
"Lord Saurman, I'm so sorry." Thing/man said, leaping up from the couch he had been lying on.  
"That'll be five hundred dollars please." Bran said pleasantly from the position chained up on the wall.  
"Five hundred dollars!? That's shit!"  
********  
"Lothlorien!" Legolas, Sulel, and Lily whispered, mystified.  
"NOOO! My preciousssssssssss!" Aragorn wailed. His poor Johnny the cereal spoon had become bent and not shiny. "He's dead!"  
"Who's dead?" A slightly familiar female voice asked.  
All four turned around to see....  
  
~~~~~~  
Ha ha. Cliffhanger. Who is it, do you suppose? Anyway, disclaimer time! I don't own Lord of the Rings. Nope. Never have, never will.  
So don't sue me. And thank you to Asa for reviewing and to Legalan Greenleaf and Green and Silver for encouraging me to put this  
chapter up (hi you guys!)   
Well, the next chapter shall be up quite soon, but until then, feel free to contact me via e-mail at; heckyuki@yahoo.com OR you can  
review by clicking on that handy little button at the bottom of your screen.   
Bye bye!  
~Molly of Ozz 


	6. Oh the things you can think

CHAPTER SIX  
"Arwen?"  
"Yes. Who's dead?"  
"My preciousssssssssss..." Aragorn wailed again.  
"Well, thank you, Estel." Arwen said, looking fairly flattered. "I never knew I meant so much to you, but I'm not dead."  
"He's not talking about you." Lily said flatly. "He's talking about his cereal spoon."   
"Cereal spoon?" Arwen asked blankly.  
"Yup. His precious Johnny over there." Lily told her.  
Arwen's eyes began to water. "How could I have?" She wailed, and joined Aragorn on the ground. "I'm so sorry, Estel, my love. That is no ordinary cereal spoon. That is the master cereal spoon, forged to rule all others. Unfortunately, it also poisons your mind. Oh my dear sweet love, what have I done to you?"   
"You poisoned his mind?" Legolas asked incredulously.  
"It seemed like a good idea at the time." Arwen snapped defensively.  
"Jeez, and I thought it was bad when Lauretta poisoned Daddy's steak." Lily said. Everyone, including Aragorn, stared at her strangely.  
"Well, how do we rid ourselves of this tremendous evil?" Sulel finally asked.  
"We must go on a quest!" Arwen shouted.  
"A quest?" Lily repeated. "We're already on a quest, to save Bran!"  
Arwen scowled. "That stupid girl who got wine and octopus all over me?"  
"I think it was squid, actually, but other than that, yeah."  
"I don't want to save her."  
Aragorn whimpered, and Arwen's look softened. "But for the sake of my dear, sweet love, I shall accompany you."  
Lily rolled her eyes.  
"So, how do we destroy the master cereal spoon?" Legolas asked.  
"We must send it back within the fiery chasm of the Cap'n Crunch factory!"  
Lily gave Arwen an odd look. "This quest just keeps getting better and better...."  
The, now, quintet all walked into the forest of LOTHLORIEN (dun dun duh!).  
"You're so pretty, yes you are, yes you are. You're one sexy bastard."  
"Legolas?" Lily leaned over and whispered to him.  
"Yeah?"  
"What's that?"  
"I don't know..."  
The five walked deeper into the forest, and the praising voice became louder and louder until...  
"GIMLI?"  
The dwarf was sitting on the ground with a silver hand mirror in front of his face. His normally 'macho' looking hair was done up in pink bows and ribbons and he was wearing a frilly blue apron and oven mitts that looked like dinosaurs.  
"O-oh. Hi, Legolas, Aragorn, Arwen, Sulel, and weird looking girl."  
"HEY!"  
"Gimli, what in heaven's name are you doing?" Legolas asked, appalled at his now ex-friend.  
"Oh, uhm, nothing." The dwarf replied innocently, quickly ripping off the apron and shoving it behind his back. "Nothing at all."  
"Gimli? Gimli?" A sweet voice called. All of them turned around to see Haldir approaching.  
"Oh, you didn't tell me you had company. Hello everyone!" He said pleasantly.  
Legolas stared for a moment, then curled up in a fetal position on the ground. Sulel kept hitting his forehead and muttering "....bad mental image, bad mental image..." Both Arwen and Aragorn looked sick, and Lily was grinning ear to ear.  
"Oh, this is too perfect!" She giggled. And then the giggle turned into a chuckle, which turned into a laugh, which turned into a guffaw. By the time everyone else collected themselves, she was rolling around on the ground with mirth.  
Legolas quickly grabbed her arm and everyone ran out of the dreaded forest at top speeds, except for Lily who had to stop every five minutes to clutch her sides in laughter.  
Gimli looked at Haldir. Haldir looked at Gimli.  
"Do you think they know that we're just getting ready for the annual Lothlorien barbeque cook off?"  
*********  
"Go fish." The Head Thing/Man said.  
Bran picked up a card from the deck.  
"Got any sevens?" The head thing/man asked.  
"Go fish..."  
*********  
"Amon Hen!" Aragorn announced grandly. Arwen had been nursing him back to health so that he almost had his full mind back.   
"CLUCK, CLUCK!"   
Almost.  
"Aragorn?" A voice asked from off to the side. For the third time in this story, everyone in the company whipped around to see...  
"BOROMIR?!"  
"You're dead!" Legolas yelled.  
"No, I'm not. I never was." Boromir said acidly.  
  
FLASHBACK:  
Aragorn: Get in the rowboat, Boromir.  
Boromir: I'm not dead!  
Legolas: He says he's not dead.  
Aragorn: Yes he is.  
Boromir: I'm not!  
Legolas: He's not?  
Aragorn: He will be very soon. He's been hit three times with arrows.  
Boromir: I'm getting better! *Thumps chest to prove it* Ow…  
Aragorn: No, you're not. You'll be dead in a moment.  
Legolas: You can't put him in a boat and send him over a waterfall. It's unethical.  
Boromir: I don't want to go off a waterfall….  
Aragorn: Quit being such a sissy.  
Legolas: You just can't, Aragorn. It's cruelty to animals. Moreover, we have to go rescue the hobbits from sheer doom and destruction.   
Boromir: I'm not an animal!  
Legolas: Shut up, Grease Monkey.  
Boromir: Well, I feel fine!   
Aragorn: The hobbits can wait, he'll croak off in a moment.  
Boromir: You, know, I think I'll go save the hobbits by myself.  
Aragorn: You're not fooling anyone.  
Legolas: Fine, fine. For the sake of the quest, we'll send him over the waterfall.  
Boromir: No! No! I'm just fine. *Sings* I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! Pretty and witty and gay! C'mon guys! Please?  
Aragorn: Bye, bye. We'll miss you. You were a good man.  
Legolas: Alright, let's get going.  
Boromir: *Going over the waterfall* I'm OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!  
END FLASHBACK AND SCRIPT FORM  
  
"Ohh... I remember that." Legolas said.  
"So do I." Boromir spat angrily.  
"I don't." Aragorn said confusedly.  
Boromir hit him on the head with a rock.  
"Now I do!"  
"You put a live man over a waterfall?" Arwen asked.  
Legolas nodded.  
"Oh. Well, now I don't feel so bad about poisoning Aragorn's mind!"  
Lily smirked.  
"Well, I'm sorry, Boromir." Legolas said contritely.  
"Oh... well, apology accepted. But I still hate Aragorn, SO, I shall KILL HIM!" Boromir cried, and whipped out from behind his back, a sharp pointy...... stick.  
"NO!" Arwen cried, and jumped in front of Boromir. Who hadn't moved. "Take me instead!"  
Boromir shrugged. "Okay." He took the blunt end of the stick and gently shoved Arwen over a waterfall, which just happened to appear.  
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" She screamed as she hit the bottom of the.... three-foot high waterfall.  
Lily couldn't help it. She laughed.  
Aragorn looked over the edge of the waterfall. "Oh, poor Arwen." Legolas joined him on the edge. "Yeah, she had our food." He sighed. He turned to Boromir. "Wanna take Arwen's place in the quest?"  
Boromir smiled happily. "Okay. And Aragorn, all is forgiven."  
Lily and Sulel (who had since declared a truce), meanwhile, had been quietly making BLT (bacon, lettuce, and tomato, yummy.) sandwiches in the corner. "BLT?" She asked. There was a general mumble of approval. "Oh, yeah, definitely."  
*********  
"Man, I'm hungry." Bran said.  
"Cap'n Crunch?" Thing/Man offered.  
"Cap'n Crunch?" Bran repeated.  
"Yeah. Milord Saurman has an affinity for it. The tower we're in is built over a Cap'n Crunch factory so he'd never run out."  
"How interesting!" Bran exclaimed politely. Politely... hmm... what's wrong with this picture? "Saurman's stupid." That's better.  
"Yes..." Thing/Man sighed wistfully. "I like Cinnamon Toast Crunch myself."  
*********  
"Instead of going around to Rohan, let's just take Frodo's way." Lily suggested.  
"Oh... I wanted to see Eowyn." Aragorn said disappointedly.  
"You're supposed to be in mourning." Boromir reminded him.  
"Hello?" Arwen asked from her vantage point behind Aragorn.  
"Oh, yes. It's almost like I can hear Arwen's voice calling me now..."   
"You stupid dolt! I'm right here!"  
"The mind can play tricks on a grieving man." Legolas said consolingly.  
"LOOK AT ME!!!!!!" Arwen screamed.  
"Ah, I know Legolas. You are right. But still, I would give anything to see her lovely face again."  
"Look behind you, dunderhead." Arwen said flatly.  
"That's funny. It's almost like I can hear Arwen's voice, too." Boromir remarked lightly.  
"Let's make camp." Sulel suggested. "And rest our weary minds."  
Lily rolled her eyes, but said nothing.  
*********  
"HEAD THING/MAN! YOU IMCOMPETANT BUMBLING FOOL!!!!" Lord Saurman of the Cap'n Crunch factory screamed in his uncomfortablely high falsetto. "YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FINDING OUT WHERE THE MYSTICAL ALL-SEEING ORACLE OF RIVENDELL IS! BUT INSTEAD I FIND YOU HERE EATING CHINESE TAKE OUT WITH THE PRISONER!!!!!!"  
"And it's damn good take-out at that." Bran added.  
"Chicken chow mien?" Thing/Man offered. Saurman sighed defeatedly. "Got any sweet and sour shrimp?"  
  
  
~~~~~~~~  
Hello everyone! Molly of Ozz here! Hope you like this chapter and thank you very much to Asa (again) for reviewing. Oh, by the way, Asa gets a cookie (and other various assorted snack foods), for reviewing so much! Oh, you just make Legalan and my days! Thank you SO much! Oh, and yes…. Lord of the Rings does not belong to either myself or Legalan it never has, but someday I might just be rich enough to buy the rights to it, so then it WOULD be mine!!! *evil laughter ensues* Oh, and the 'I'm not dead yet' Boromir scene was based on that one scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Which I do not own. Anyway, please review! 


	7. To Get to Chapter Eight

CHAPTER SEVEN  
A howl echoed throughout the forest of Foresty-ness.  
Lily couldn't sleep.  
So she was howling. No, no, wait. That was the wolves that had been tailing the company for ten miles. But the elves hadn't heard the pitter patter of dainty wolf feet over the 'ghostly' voice of Arwen.   
"Legolas!" Lily said, roughly shaking the prince awake.  
"What?" Legolas asked irritably.  
"I'm cold and there are wolves after me. Us. Us."  
"Go back to sleep."  
"Wolves, Leggie, WOLVES!"  
"Fine." The elf rolled over and got up... wearing only tartan plaid boxers.  
"Wow..." Lily said, her eyes bulging.   
"Where are the wolves?" He asked. "I see no wolves."  
"Use your 'acute' elf hearing." Lily said.  
"Oh...... Now I hear wolves."  
Legolas grabbed up his bow and arrows and followed the snoring wolf noises.  
Except... they weren't wolves.  
"I'm hungry, Mr. Frodo."  
"For the last goddamn time, Samwise, go TO SLEEP!"  
"I'm sorry, Mr. Frodo."  
"Shut.....up..... OR I'LL DO SOMETHING MEAN AND NOT NICE!"  
"Stop being such a Gloomy Gus. Put a smile on!"  
"Ronald McDonald?" Lily asked, confusedly.  
"Oh! Who are you!?" Sam shrieked. Girlishly. Ha Ha.  
"HI!" Lily said in her trademark peppy happy hyper voice.  
"She's.... Not with me." Legolas assured the four frighted hobbits.  
"Meep!" Lily declared randomly.  
"Nope, nope, not with us.." The rest of the company said, for they seemed to have appeared around the hobbit's campfire.  
"Outrage!" Declared Lily.  
"Don't know her at all. In fact, she just sort of randomly popped up one day." Boromir said.  
"Actually, you're right, Grease Monkey!" Lily said, all smiles and cheer once again.  
"Curse you! I am not Grease Monkey!"  
"Yes you are." Aragorn said.  
"Damnit."  
"The side of the Fellowship we never saw. And, Boromir, I thought you were dead." Pippin exclaimed.  
"Nope." Boromir said, casting a dark look at Legolas and Aragorn. "Never was."  
"Oh." Pippin said, wisely not requesting an explanation.  
*******  
"So, why aren't you torturing her again?" Saurman asked after their little 'snack.'  
"Because, she's helping me with my mental problems like you never did." Head Thing/Man replied as if this was as obvious as the fact that the sun rose and set each day.  
"I have mental problems too..." Saurman said dejectedly.   
"For five hundred bucks and my freedom, I can help you too!"   
"Oh, okay... wait a second... using... mind... tricks..." Saurman's eye twitched.  
"EWWW!!!! He's got a case of twitchy eye!!!!!!!" Bran exclaimed in disgust.  
******  
"He's been soooo grumpy ever since that little green creature-" Pip started  
"You mean Golum?" Lily asked.  
"Yeah, that slimy green thing! Ever since that thing bit off his finger, he's been so twisted and not himself. All he does is scream and yell, scream and yell." Merry said with a nervous glance at Frodo.  
"YOU COOKED THE BACON TOO GODDAMNM LONG, SAMWISE GAMGEE!" Frodo screamed at a terrified Sam. Lily stared at Frodo.   
"You know, my dear hobbit, you need to loosen up." She declared.  
*~ONE HOUR LATER~*  
"Do the Funky Chicken, do the Funky Chicken!" Frodo and Lily sang in unison, both really off-key.  
"We'll just be going now..." the company of elves and crazy humans backed slowly away from Frodo. Legolas remembered to grab Lily's flapping arm just before they all ran away from the hobbits.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~  
Alrighty, hello, once again. Molly of Ozz here. This chapter has no point except to get to chapter eight. But that's okay, because chapter eight is REEEEALLY good, and I know that the limited few who are   
actually reading this (Asa, that's you) will like it a whole lot. It's the return of Bran! Yay! I shall post chapter eight once Legalan gets off her LAZY butt and sends it to me (*cough*get a move on*cough*) okay, so  
we've established that this was a stupid chapter. Now, Lord of the Rings does not belong to me.   
AND AND AND, I want you to REVIEW! Heck, even flames are okay. I just NEED FEEDBACK!!!!!!!!!!!! C'mon people, make my poor pathetic life a little bit brighter. I'll be forever grateful... Please? 


	8. Thorns, Other Pointy Things, and Towers

Chapter Eight: Thorns, Other Pointy Things, and Towers   
  
  
"CARP!" a loud shout echoed throughout the forest of pines.   
"What's wrong?" Legolas, Sulel, and Boromir asked in unison.  
"I stepped on a thorn." Lily's whimpered answer made them all start laughing. "What's wrong with you people, it hurt!" she tried to defend her dignity as much as possible.  
"That's why we wear shoes." Sulel stated calmly, and as if it was the most normal thing in the world to wear shoes when you were sleeping.  
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts doodillydoo..." Aragorn sang spontaneously "... There they are a standing in a row! Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! Just give em a twist, a flick of the wrist that's what the salesman said!" as he started to repeat the song, Lily angrily took some fabric and stuffed shoved it in his mouth. "Mumumubabjhahfshfjs!" after making sure he couldn't sing, which involved tying a strip of cloth around his mouth, the company tried to sleep. All of them succeeded except Lily and Sulel.  
They both were thinking of the same thing; Bran and how slow the group was moving and wouldn't it just be better to go off alone and rescue her. "CARP!" Lily said in an audible whisper.   
"So, quite obviously," Sulel quipped quietly, "you are awake too Lily."  
"Yup, and hating it. I can't decide what to do." She stated with a flourish of her hand. "I mean, at this rate, we'll never get to wherever Bran's being held before she really annoys them and they do something horrible to her." With that, she moved the hand to her temples and massaged them, deep in thought. What a predicament.  
************  
"Saurman, got any kings?" Head Thing/man asked his master.  
"Damn! Stop knowing my cards!" He snapped airily.  
"Well then, stop showing them when you draw!"  
"I'm not showing my cards!"  
"Are too."  
"Am not!"  
While our two idiots fought, Bran tried to find a way off the tower. "Darn, too high to jump. To risk the stairs or not to risk the stairs that is my question." Bran looked over her shoulder at Saurman and Head Thing/man as they argued senselessly, "Risk the stairs." She quickly decided and started to hurry down the conveniently located steps.   
********  
"... So you see, Bran and I have known each other our whole lives and I couldn't bear it if something happened to her. I love her as a sister and nothing should be able to tear us apart." Lily finished after her side of the story sadly.  
"I guess I have a similar reason for wanting to go ahead, I love her. Not like a sibling, because I've already had my share of siblings, but a purer love, much deeper in my heart." Sulel said innocently spilling out his inner feelings for Bran.  
"Aww... Sulel has a crush...." Lily cooed with a wicked grin.  
"Not a crush, my feelings for her are so much deeper than that. It's hard to explain, I've never felt this way before."  
"Ok! AW... Sulel's in love..."  
******  
"Nice emu... That's right, I wont hurt you..." Bran said walking slowly towards an emu. "All I want is to ride you, I promise." The emu, being the dumb flightless bird it was, came toward her and let her climb on it's back. "GIDDIUP EMU!!!!!!!!!!! Run emu run; run like you've never run before. SO LONG SUCKERS!!!" she yelled back in the general direction of the tower as the emu ran as fast as it could. "Yah know I've always wanted to try climbing Caradhras." Therefore, she decided to go that way.  
********  
"TAKE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lily screeched.  
Sulel, in answer, stuck out his tongue. "Well it's true! your mother must have been a courtesan." Lily, much to her dislike was being held back by Arwen as Sulel was held back by Legolas.  
"I'm telling you, you will regret that statement one day." Lily threatened him with a tight frown before breaking away from 'the mystery force' otherwise known as Arwen and going to sit by the horses. Since it was Sulel who had started the fight in the first place, and Lily couldn't stand Boromir or Aragorn, Legolas went and tried to comfort her. She kept sobbing and finally calmed down and leaned gently on his shoulder.   
********  
Bran was making good time; she was already almost halfway to Lothlorin before she saw the campfire. 'Well, maybe I could stay with them or at least get some water for the emu and warm my hands at their fire.' As she neared the group, she saw that there were six people and a few horses. One of the people had their arm around another, slightly smaller figure. Just then, the smaller figure looked up.  
"Uh, guys, I think someone's coming.... they're riding..." Lily squinted, "...an emu!" at this statement, the rest of the group got up.   
"Hey, stay where you are! State your name, and business!" Sulel shouted.  
"Sulel!?" The emu-riding figure asked amazed. "Finally!"  
"BRAN! Lily ran up to the emu and Bran and hugged her as soon as she got off the bird.   
"Eeep! hey, Lily?" Bran managed to gasp out.  
"Yes?"  
"Can you please let go of my neck?" As soon as Lily relinquished her hold, all the others crowded in on Bran asking if she was all right and all that kind of thing.  
********  
Early the next morning, (a/n: about dawn) the company, which now included Bran and an emu, packed up and started back to Rivendell. They decided not to take the Gap of Rohan (a/n has anyone noticed a little thing called Déjà vu occurring here?), choosing instead to climb Caradhras. As they neared the summit, Bran looked up from the little conversation she was having with Lily and noticed, "What are the Nazgul doing up here?" she wondered aloud as she saw the Nazgul doing the can-can, in a dancer line below.  
Sulel leaned over towards Lily, who was sitting on Arod (Lego's horse), "Just like what your mom does on weeknights." He whispered into her ear. She promptly slapped him HARD on the cheek.   
"SHUT UP ALREADY!" she shouted. Bran snorted loudly from her perch behind the offending elf.  
"What's all that about?" Bran asked Legolas for she hadn't seen what had happened the previous night.  
"He insulted her mother by calling her a whore."  
"Isn't that what your mom really does though?" Bran queried and got slapped too.  
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" Lily shouted. "Um, Bran,"  
"Yes?" Bran said testily.  
"Isn't that your boom-box?"  
"THE NAZGUL HAVE MY BOOM-BOX! And they're dancing to my karaoke version of Lady Marmalade!" Bran screeched and jumped off the horse grabbed the boom-box and ran back over to the company.  
"That was sick, twisted, and not to mention, wrong." Lily made retching noises and glanced in the direction of the gaudily dressed Nazgul.  
"Anything that might interest your mom?" Sulel asked.  
"SHUT UP!" Lily hollered.   
*********  
A little later in the journey...  
"Any man of mine better be proud of me/ Even when I'm ugly he still better love me/ And I can be late for a date that's fine/ But he better be on time/Any man of mine'll say it fits just right/ When last year's dress is just a little too tight/ And anything I do or say better be okay/ When I have a bad hair day/ And if I change my mind/ A million times/ I wanna hear him say/ Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah I like that way/ [chorus] Any man of mine/ better walk the line/ Better show me a teasin' squeezin' pleasin' kinda time/ I need a man who knows,/ how the story goes/ He's gotta be a/ heartbeatin' fine treatin' Breathtakin' earthquakin' kind/ Any man of mine" Bran sang to the music.   
Then it was Lily's turn. "I know what that one is! It's Shania Twain's Any Man of Mine!" Bran applauded her best friend.   
Lily started to sing, "Under a lovers' sky/Gonna be with you./And no one's gonna beat around/ You think that you won't fall,/Well just wait dear/Till the sun goes down/  
Underneath the starlight/There's a magical feeling so right/It'll steal your heart tonight./[chorus] You can try to resist/Try to hide from my kiss/But you know that you can't/Can't fight the moonlight/Deep in the dark/You'll surrender your heart/Cause you cause you know/That you can't/Can't fight the moonlight./ No" as she broke off, Legolas and Sulel looked at each other then turned back to the road in front of them.   
"Oh, Can't Fight The Moonlight by LeAnn Rimes!" Bran exclaimed. Now it was Lily's turn to clap.  
  
  
END CHAPTER EIGHT!  
Author's Notes: the songs here don't belong to us, they belong to the previously mentioned famous singers. Not us… nope definitely not us. *Molly of Ozz steals keyboard* Okay; now you people have been very good in reviewing, so thank you to; Asa (you rock!), Zerah Star (hello!), Mela's Runya (Howdy, Karissa), Megan (kiwi birds are fun, don't you agree?), Sarah Loudin (honestly, no one wants to sit with me at a lunch table, you don't have to battle for a spot), AND Ainsley Hayes Sloan (hope we didn't hurt you too bad). Now, I want you too keep being so wonderful and review more! C'mon!   
Anyway, LOTR doesn't belong to us, either. And we just added the songs because we think that they describe Bran and Lily's romantic personalities. Okay, now, you click the review button and I shut up. 


	9. Backstabbing Best Friends and Chex Mix

Chapter Nine: Backstabbing Best Friends and Chex Mix don't go well together.   
  
  
As the group arrived in Rivendell, Bran and Lily were engrossed in singing a duet of a strange song called 'Man I Feel Like A Woman'. Legolas personally found it quite strange. Aragorn and Boromir, who, yes, are still hanging around here somewhere, were both highly entertained, and Arwen, who was still unnoticed behind Aragorn, found it highly un-ladylike. But, hey, who said Lily and Bran were ladies (not in THAT way, but like cotillion ladies.)?  
"Welcome to Rivendell... Yet again." Legolas said offhandedly, helping Lily off Arod's back. Lily smiled flirtatiously at him, and Bran scowled. Sulel looked a bit putout when she swung out of the saddle unassisted, all the while casting very dark, threatening looks at Lily.  
"I am taking Bran to see Elrond." Sulel announced to anyone who cared to listen. Arwen, sick of being ignored by these simpletons, decided to follow. Then, once she'd convinced Aragorn that she was still alive, there was the little matter of getting her immortality back...  
"Yes, yes." Legolas said to Sulel, a bit distracted. Sulel, who knew exactly what was up with Legolas (after all, he was male, too), nodded, but looked rather angry.   
Sulel ushered Bran up to Elrond's little meeting thing.  
Legolas took Lily's hand and led her to the gardens, leaving Aragorn and Boromir to fend for themselves (a/n: prepare for ENDLESS fluffy-ness... yum).  
*********  
"Elrond, we have retrieved Branwyn from the fiery perils of Mordor." Sulel announced grandly. Bran snorted, but in a supreme act of kindness (for her that is), said nothing to keep from bruising his manly pride.   
"Yes. Uhm. That's really nice. Where's my dog?"   
"Aragorn said he sent it back with some..... elves."  
"Elves, you say? Well, I didn't send any for Lucky.... Damnit, Thranduil! YOU STOLE MY DOG!" Elrond exclaimed outraged.  
"Legolas' father stole your dog?" Sulel exclaimed, amazed. He'd never seen the neurotic, stupid side of Thranduil before.  
"He's been after my kennels for centuries! He's jealous!" Elrond ranted.   
"Your highness, if I may interrupt this grand fit of pissy-ness... The people who kidnapped me, they asked about a Mystical All-Seeing Oracle of Rivendell." Bran said.  
"Oh... The Oracle. You want to see it?" Elrond smiled conspiratorially, forgetting about his precious kennels for a moment.  
"Yes." Sulel answered blandly.  
"Follow me." Elrond beckoned them into a long hallway lined with paintings of various elves and into a curtained off room. "There it is..." He whispered, pointing at a blue china bowl.  
Bran reverently walked up to the bowl and looked in, fully prepared to be blown away by the mystical-ness of the oracle. Instead she found,  
"CHEX MIX?!"  
"Shhh!" Elrond admonished. "You'll hurt its feelings."   
Bran turned from the bowl and was about to leave when she stopped beside Elrond. "You're psycho." And with that, she left, followed closely by Sulel.  
********  
The gardens were lightly lit, and the soft chirping of crickets was the only sound to be heard. Lily and Legolas had been strolling around in silence, hand in hand, for a short while when suddenly Legolas halted in the center of a bridge over a small waterfall drawing Lily towards him. "Lily," he breathed softly.  
"Yes Legolas?" she asked, a little flustered at being so close to the elven prince.  
"I was wrong when I thought that I loved Bran..." he broke off trying to get out his true feelings, "My feelings for you have grown ever stronger since we left Rivendell."   
Lily stared wistfully up at Legolas. "You speak not of friendship." She said slowly.   
Legolas stared into her eyes, "I speak of something that goes deeper. I  
speak of something that goes deeper than the bonds of friendship could ever go," Legolas drew her closer.  
"Lily, I think I'm falling in love with you." With that, he pulled her into a kiss. As he moved his arms to clasp her waist and hers moved to his shoulders, Bran and Sulel walked down the path to the bridge. Damn.  
"Lily?!" Bran yelled, at her friend. Well, ex-friend.  
Lily quickly jumped out of Legolas' arms. "I-uh..."  
Sulel drew Bran close to him and cast a seething look at Legolas, which clearly said, 'player'. Bran stared at Sulel for a moment, and then pushed him away.  
"I'd never betray you like that." Bran spat, quoting Lily's own words from only a few days before. Poor Lily just stared at the ground.  
"I can't believe you!" Bran yelled. "You are supposed to be my friend. Friends don't kiss other friends' paramours."  
Lily blushed. "Bran, I-I... Bran, please understand?"   
  
"No." Bran said in one of her most childish voices. "I don't think that's possible Lily." Then she rounded on Legolas, "And Legolas, I thought you loved me, now I see that was just a cruel joke just like everything else." After slapping him, she stalked off towards her room. Sulel threw another harsh look at the two friends turned lovers and quickly followed her.  
*********  
Lily sat at the little desk in her room writing a letter/diary entry that no one would ever see:  
  
I never meant to break Bran's trust like that.  
After all, she is my best friend and I respect   
her feelings, but then, what Legolas said this  
evening made me feel wanted, something that  
has never happened to me in my whole life.  
My mother was a courtesan and I'm forever   
bound to the shame that comes as a result.  
Just because of my past, people think I can deal  
with that kind of thing but I can't. All the kids  
at school knew and avoided me because of it, so,   
other than Bran, I had no friends. I've been  
neglected all my life, and now that someone seems   
to care and love me, my only friend seems to be  
ready to leave me because of it. Why can't I lead  
a normal life, why can't Bran understand, why me?  
  
As she finished writing, Lily heard a little jingling sound behind her. She turned and saw a little black-smoke Egyptian Mau kitten with a ribbon around its neck with a bell. "What are you doing here kitty?" she asked, picking up the little kitten.  
"Her name is Halda, meaning shadowed, she's my way of saying sorry." A voice said from the direction of Lily's balcony. "Oio naa elealla alasse' Lily (a/n ever is thy sight a joy in Elvish). I didn't mean to get you in trouble with Bran tonight. It is true though, Amin mela lle (I love you), very much, and my feelings can't be erased. Even if there were a way to change the past, I wouldn't. Quel kaima, A'maelamin (sleep well, my beloved)" with that, he turned and left the way he had come (their balconies are right next to each other, and an easy jumping distance).   
~~~~~~~~~  
Legalan: Aww... he gave her a kitten  
Molly of Ozz: And a darn cute one at that!  
Legalan: Oh yeah, thanks very much to green-and-silver for helping with the romance scene (although, I'd like to have written all of it) and to you people for reviewing. You are reviewing, right?  
Molly of Ozz: Hey! What about me!?  
Legalan: I was getting to you, hold on. And a big Yee Haw (Shannon Lawson's favorite saying) for Molly of Ozz's wonderful help on this chapter (even though I wrote the majority of chappie eight and nine.)!   
Molly of Ozz: I wrote the Chex Mix Part!  
Legalan: We're all very proud of you, Molly.  
Molly of Ozz: And you should be. You can keep all that mushy romance shi-  
Legalan: MOLLY! There could be children reading this.  
Molly of Ozz: *mumbling* Stuff to yourself.  
Legalan: Much better.  
Molly of Ozz: Anyways, we don't own Lord of the Rings. But, I am still confident that one day I will. And thank you very much to Asa (you ARE the coolest), Mela's Runya (hahaha, I MELTED YOU AND YOUR EVIL CHICKEN!!!), Elventwins (I have no idea what happened to the Emu... uh, so... He went to join the circus), and Trinity (thanks so much for the review, but I can't find your story. Maybe I'm just an idiot..)   
Legalan: Anyway, feel free to e-mail either author; at legalangreenleaf@yahoo.com (for me, Legalan) or vampirequeen113@yahoo.com (for the insane Molly of Ozz)  
Molly of Ozz: I AM THE VAMPIRE QUEEN! *falls over* 


	10. And The Seriousness Pursues

Legalan's Tale 

Chapter Ten   
And The Seriousness Pursues

  
  
  
"Bran?" Sulel called into her darkened bedchambers. He was not sure what he would find inside. There was no answer.  
  
"Bran?" He called in again, this time carefully stepping in. He heard voices coming from the balcony, which every bedchamber was lucky enough to have. "Bran?" He saw her standing on the wide stone railing of the balcony, looking to the ground below and mumbling quietly to herself. He could only barely make out the words even with his heightened Elvin senses. It was some she seemed to be talking with someone only she could see and hear. "And, God, I don't really hate Lily. She was only doing what anyone else would have done. I can't blame her for that. And, God, I don't hate Legolas, either. He'll be nice for Lily, and I'm sure that they will live happily together... without me. And my sister didn't actually stick my fingers in the toaster when I was six, either. I did it myself."  
  
"Bran?" Sulel asked.  
  
"What is it?" She snapped back acidly, without turning around.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm having tea with the fricken' queen of Rohan! What the hell does it look like I'm doing? I'm committing suicide! And don't you dare try to stop me!" Sulel stayed where he was. Bran looked back down at the ground some ninety feet below her. "I'm going to do this, Sulel, and don't you dare try to stop me, Sulel try to stop me." She finally turned to face him. "Sulel, I'm throwing myself off a balcony, get over here and try to stop me!"  
  
The confused elf pulled her off the railing and ushered her into her bedroom, where she broke down in tears. "Why did you stop me?" She asked, sobbing. "I was really serious!"  
  
By this time, poor little Sulel didn't know what exactly to do, for he had quite expected to be confronted by her rage. Now, there was this sobbing girl in the middle of the floor who resembled Bran in looks alone.  
  
The girl formally known as Bran then threw her arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder, mumbling 'stupid elf'. Well, at least that was a little reassuring, he thought as he awkwardly patted her back.   
  
For weeks, he had dreamed of something like this happening. Now that it was, it was more than a little frightening. "Bran?" He asked, on the verge of tears himself. But his tears would only be shed out of utter confusion.  
  
"Stupid elf." Was his response, as she pushed him away and stalked into the water closet (bathroom). There were sounds of ripping material, and short, enraged screams. Five minutes later, Bran returned fully dressed in black athletic pants and a black hooded sweatshirt. "I'm going home." She announced. Sulel stared at her, blankly.  
  
She was almost out the door when he unintentionally called out to her. She turned around to face him.  
  
"I love you." He said simply.  
  
There was a flash of pure regret in her eyes, but it was quickly replaced with her trademark sarcasm and a cock of the eyebrow.  
  
"I bet you do." She said, and walked away.  
  
EXACTLY THIRTY MINUTES LATER;  
  
"Stupid forest.... Stupid trees... Ouchies...." Bran tried in vain to navigate her way through the dense woodland in the middle of the night. The only light she had was that of the unnaturally bright moon. The small jingle-jangle of a bell interrupted her display of her... more colorful vocabulary. She turned to see a small black kitten approaching her. Smiling, she knelt down. "Hey there, little kitty." She picked up the tiny thing and it mewed in her arms. "You remind me of one of my kitties at home. His name is Louie. He lived under my school when I was six years old, until one day when I took him home."   
  
"Ah... The side of Bran we never see." Came a voice behind her. She turned to find Arwen standing there, looking immaculate and perfect and as if it were only natural to be standing in the forest in the middle of the night.  
  
"I knew you weren't dead!" Bran exclaimed.  
  
"I know. Now if only I could convince Aragorn that..." Arwen said, rolling her eyes. "I heard about what happened in the gardens."  
  
"Word's traveled this fast?"  
  
"No. I was standing behind you."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"That's Lily's kitten, you know. Legolas gave it to her."  
  
Bran sneered bitterly.   
  
"She's very hurt, you know." Arwen continued on. "She hasn't had an easy life, and from what I've gathered, you're the one thing that shed a little bit of brightness on it. Maybe you should forgive her."  
  
Bran's chin lifted and there was a look of immense pride around her. "She can tell it to Oprah, baby, 'cause I ain't listening to her pathetic sob story anymore."  
  
Arwen shrugged. "Do what you'd like. It's not my place to tell you what or what not to do. I just thought you'd like to know. She's hurting." A blank look replaced the look of wisdom on Arwen's face as she wandered back into the forest.   
  
"That was odd..." Bran commented. So, Lily was hurting, was she? Well, ha. She deserved it, after all. Well, maybe she didn't. Lily didn't actually do anything wrong, except for give in to the temptations of the human flesh... Well, in this case, Elvish. Could anyone actually be faulted for that? Could Lily?   
  
Of course.  
  
********  
  
"Saurman?"  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"The prisoner's escaped."  
  
"Darn..."  
  
********  
  
THE NEXT MORNING:  
  
Lily emerged from her room, pale and silent. The cat Legolas had given her had run away. Bran hated her. What else could go wrong? At that exact moment, Lily bumped into Sulel, who just gave her a look that made her feel three feet tall. Which isn't very tall. Lily continued on her way with her head bowed. She just didn't feel very good right now. She wished she could talk to Bran.  
  
"I believe this is yours."  
  
Lily turned around. "Bran?"  
  
"She is yours, isn't she? If she isn't, I'm keeping her."  
  
Lily's eyes shone with delight at Bran's decision to speak to her again.  
  
"Going once..."  
  
Lily smiled at Bran, her best friend.  
  
"Going twice..."  
  
This day was about to get a whole lot better.  
  
"Going three times...."  
  
Lily didn't trust herself to speak. She was overflowing with happiness.  
  
"SOLD, to the lady in the red dress!" Bran yelled, taking the kitten and holding her close. She smiled pleasantly at Lily and skipped away down the hall.   
  
~~~~~  
  
Author's notes: Molly of Ozz wrote this chapter! YES I DID! WOOOOOOO! GO ME! Okay, I'm done. I'm planning on writing a sequel to this, so after this ends, prepare for that. And, I'm quite sorry about the serious qualities of the last three chapters (this one included, though I do hope I did a good job in lightening it up a bit). Legalan insists that it's crucial to the plot. I, for one, don't see how that's possible, because there is no plot. It's supposed to be random insanity for people to laugh and be merry at. But, oh well. I'll let her do her thing. AND, Lord of the Rings does not belong to me, though I remain confident in the fact that it will someday *gets assaulted by random lawyers. Oh, and the Bran loving animals thing, it's a bit crucial to the sequel. Yes, I'm quite serious about this sequel thing. Run and hide, lock your doors, 'CAUSE I'LL BE BACK!!!! *gets carted off by the nice men in white coats*   
  



	11. The Breakfast of Champions

Chapter Eleven

  
  
  
Lily hurried on down the halls barely avoiding the elves as she ran for Lego's room. Halfway down the hall, the two collided, literally. "Bran's come back! And she's talking to me again!!!!!" Lily burst out happily.  
  
"I was coming to get you for breakfast and running a little late so…."  
  
"Do you have any clue where Sulel was going? It looked like he was heading for the kitchens."  
  
"Maybe, he's making Bran an apology breakfast…" Legolas suggested.  
  
"Maybe…"  
  
*****  
  
Bran, who had decided to take a nap, awoke to the delicious smells of various breakfast foods. She sat up and looked around for the source of the heavenly scents. As she did so, she spied a little table set with breakfast and places for two. Without even bothering to get dressed (a/n she is in PJ's), she got up and went over to the table. Noticing a little note, she snatched it up, tore open the envelope, and began to read:  
  
Bran,  
  
I wanted to apologize for being so confused last night  
After all, it's not every day the person you love is yelling  
at you to stop them from doing something stupid like that.   
If you accept my apology, let me know. I'm in the room next  
to Legolas. I would like very much to have breakfast with   
you but if you still are mad, I'll understand.  
Amin mela lle (I love you),  
  
Sulel  
  
  
  
Bran thought over the note's contents. After a few moments, she grabbed a robe, pulled it on and ran down the halls much as Lily had just recently. Pounding on the door, with a whisper of 'stupid elf', she waited for him to answer. Presently someone tapped her on the shoulder and she jumped. "LILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't do that!" She shouted as she whirled around. She quickly realized she was mistaken.  
  
"If you are looking for Sulel, I think he went to the Hall of Memories." Legolas told her with a weak smile at the fact she was now talking again. "Needless to say, Lily sneaks up on you quite often." He said laughing lightly.  
  
"Yeah, she would sneak up and shout during school." Bran told him. After a few moments of thought she asked, "Where's the Hall of Memories?"  
  
*****  
  
Tears silently streamed down Sulel's face as he watched some painful and some cheerful memories from the past flash by. In the first one, he was around fifty and his mother, who had been stabbed, lay dieing in his arms. The second showed him around 100, he was strolling around the palace grounds with his fiancée, Ryuna, when an arrow struck her through the heart. She fell to her knees with a slight cry and gasping for air said "Amin… mela… lle… Sulel." With that, she let out her last breath and slumped against him. He could feel her blood stain his clothes, but he didn't care.  
  
"Ryuna! No… you can't be dead, you just can't! No," he whispered holding her close and sobbing uncontrollably.  
  
Bran walked into a large circular room to see Sulel rocking back and forth as if he were holding someone who had died and to hear him muttering. "Sulel?" She asked uncertainly. When he didn't answer, she ran over and grabbed his shoulders. "Sulel, what's wrong?" As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she noticed that although he was crying, his eyes were somewhat far away. She gently helped him up and out of the the hall. He seemed to come back to the 'normal' world about halfway down the hallway. He quickly began to lead her to her rooms, an excited look upon his visage. Bran on the other hand, kept sending confused glaces at him.  
  
They reached her rooms and Sulel led her in. As soon as they were in, he sat her down in front of a large platter.  
  
"I made it myself."  
  
_And that,_ thought Bran, _explains a lot._  
  
What was laid out in front of her looked like charred bacon, pink sausages, runny eggs, and black things that might have once been toast.  
  
Sulel grinned like the village idiot. "So, what do you think?"  
  
"Oh... God." Bran said, tears welling up in her eyes from the smoke drifting off the 'toast.'  
  
Sulel however, took that statement the wrong way and said, "I thought you'd like it!" He quickly piled some of the food onto her plate. "Go on, try it!" Bran hesitantly brought her fork to spear one of the sausages. As she slowly brought it to he lips, she noticed that Sulel wasn't eating and wondered if it was some demented attempt to kill her. She had no time to dwell on that thought, because at that very moment, a teary-eyed Lily burst through her door. When she noticed Sulel, Lily made a move to go back out saying that she could come back later but Bran, after thanking whatever god was looking after her, quickly shoved Sulel out the door telling him she'd make lunch. "So, Lily, what's up?" She asked as soon as she slammed the door in his face.  
  
"It's Legolas, I saw him embracing another elf, she looked almost exactly like him it was creepy!" Lily burst out in anguish.  
  
"He does seem to have a little problem with stuff like that, doesn't he?" Bran quipped.  
  
"But, but, I thought he loved me... how could he... MEOW!!!" with that, she fell onto Bran's bed sobbing uncontrolably. Bran akwardly patted her back until she thought Lily couldn't cry any more without becoming dehydrated. "Come'n Lil, let's go find out what this is all about." Bran said striding out into the hall. Lily quickly followed her and they soon came upon Aragorn and Legolas talking. "Cheat on Lily will you?!" Bran yelled at the elf, "It's one thing if it's me, but my best friend, that's drawing the line in the sand." with that, she punched him.  
  
"What's going on?" Bran turned to see a she-elf who _must_ have been the elf Lily was talking about. So, Bran once again, let her fist fly. By this time Aragorn had look of extreme merriment, and a little disgust, on his face. "What's so funny?" Bran demanded.  
  
"May I introduce the Lady Legalan, Legolas' younger sister." with that, he continued to laugh as he picked up Legolas leaving Bran & Lily to get Legalan. "Bring them into my room, it's closest."  
  
"Ugh..." the two elves groaned. Lily was sitting by Legolas and Aragorn by his sister (a/n te-he, It's so tempting... **fingers twitch over keyboard**) and Bran sat somewhere in the middle of the room staring out the window.  
  
"What the heck was that all about!" Legolas asked sitting up, "Damn it Bran! ...you have a pretty good right hook." He concieded after touching his left jaw gingerly.  
  
"So, let me get this straight," Legalan began, "you know her!"  
  
"Duh he knows me..." Bran said, "Lily said she saw you two hugging, he had said he loved me then kissed Lil's here so... obviously we were suspisious." with that, she stormed out the door.  
  
"Eventful afternoon." Aragorn commented blandly.  
  
***** A/n WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANother chapter done!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! That makes us one chapter closer to the sequel!!!!!!! ((**looks up and sees Fluffy Sweetums**)) Hi Fluffy Sweetums, say hi to our audiance! ((**Fluffy Sweetums's POV**)) ROAR!!!!!!!!!! ((**author's POV**)) Please review!!! ((**goes and runs all the way to Mirkwood**)) WE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIYA THRANDUIL!!!!!!!!!! BYE!!!!!!!!!!! ((**runs back**)) See you guys next chapter!!!! Namaarie ((**holds hand up like Galadrial**))  
  
Molly of Ozz cuts in BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	12. It Was A Dream?

Chapter Twelve

  
  
  
Chapter Twelve: It was a dream?   
  
  
Bran flung open the door to her room, flopped onto her bed, and began to stroke Halda's back. She thought of all that had happened to her over the past few weeks. She'd been sucked into Middle Earth, had a brief romance with Legolas Greenleaf, been kidnapped by an emu, been held prisoner, betrayed by her best friend, and had a strange elf confess his love to her. It just seemed to be too much... There was a knock at the door. "Come in." She said automatically, not stopping to look up until Sulel entered and sat down next to her.  
  
"Bran," he began, unsure of what exactly he wanted to tell her.  
  
"Yes?" Bran replied not really paying attention, preferring to stay in her imagination (a/n does the little hand-motion from Spongebob).  
  
"You know how I said that I love you," he said breaking off mid-thought.  
  
"Yes…" Bran said motioning him to continue.  
  
"When I said that, I didn't really know how far my affections went."  
  
"Yes…" Bran said beginning to get impatient.  
  
For lack of words, Sulel began to lean toward her. As their lips touched, Sulel felt that little spark of true love that he hadn't felt since Ryuna. All thoughts of the past were then drowned in the present, as the simple, innocent kiss became something more passionate and whole-hearted. Time seemed to stop around the two.   
  
*****  
  
Lily was wandering around pointlessly in the gardens. As she approached the little waterfall, she began to wonder why she had come to that particular spot. There were so many lovely areas in Rivendell, why this one? Was it the fact that only a few nights ago she had received her first real kiss? Or was it just coincidence? Oh well, she was there now, might as well enjoy the view. She crossed to the center of the bridge and stood, hands on the railing, wind ruffling her hair. She began to think of her home and all the friends she'd left behind. God, I hope Rose can keep Snuffy under control… or should that be the other way around? I miss them…as her thoughts trailed off, she became aware of a presence behind her.  
  
"Is that you Legolas?" she asked quietly.  
  
"Yes, A'mael amin." He replied simply before kissing her lightly on the neck. She turned to face him.  
  
"I never thought it possible that I could fall in love, until I met you. Every day now, I wake up to find 'wow, I actually am in love and someone cares about me.' All my life, I was ignored by everyone except Bran and a few others, and now…" Lily broke off thinking of what she really wanted to tell him, "my life has an actual purpose other than to waste oxygen."  
  
"Amin mela lle, Lily." Legolas replied smiling. "My life too, has seemed pointless up to now." With that, they kissed. As the kiss continued, the two seemed to become almost one.  
  
When the kiss finally, reluctantly ended, Lily seemed to melt into Legolas' shoulder. "Take me to bed?" she asked sleepily.  
  
"Vee' lle merna (as you wish)." With that, Legolas gently lifted her up and carried her back to her room. Carefully, he pulled back the covers and laid her down. As he prepared to leave, she grabbed his arm.  
  
"Stay." She said simply.  
  
Nardane ron kaima e' i'ranquie en' ilye n'at (entwined they slept in each others arms).  
  
*****  
  
The next morning  
  
*****  
  
Bran sat up, yawned and stretched. With everything that had happened yesterday, she had totally forgotten about her promise to make lunch. Oh well, she'd make it today… Suddenly she heard a loud knock on her door. "Come in." she called out. To her surprise, Elrond walked in, looking very serious indeed.  
  
"I hear that you want to get home." He said.  
  
"Uhm. Yeah." Bran nodded, cocking an eyebrow.  
  
"I know how you get home."  
  
"How?" Bran asked.   
  
"Get your friend Lily in here and I'll show you how."   
  
TEN MINUTES LATER:  
  
A somewhat sleepy, yet very content, Lily walked into Bran's room, followed closely by Aragorn, Legolas, Sulel, and Arwen.   
  
Lily smiled hesitantly, waiting for Bran to make the first move.  
  
Bran smiled back and Lily instantly hugged her best friend tight. Elrond then spoke up; "All you have to do is click your heels together three times and chant: 'there's no place like home'."  
  
Bran and Lily nodded.  
  
Lily walked up to Legolas, "Amin mela lle, Legolas, Cormlle naa tanya tel'raa (I love you, Legolas, your heart is that of a lion) to be able to let me go. (a/n Who-hoo… in and out of Elvish cause I've been trying to translate it for at least three days and got fed up w/ my 55 page list of words!)  
  
"I'll miss you forever but if this is the way it has to be, let's both dream of each other and who knows," Here Legolas gave a weak smile, "it might come true." With that, the two kissed.  
  
Bran approached Sulel. "So, I guess this is... goodbye." She said, biting her lip.   
  
"Yeah." Sulel nodded. Bran suddenly brushed her lips across his and ran to the middle of the room. Lily grabbed Halda off Bran's bed and stood in the middle of the room, joining hands with her best friend.  
  
Bran closed her eyes and inhaled deeply.  
  
"There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home..."  
  
********  
  
Bran awoke groggily. "Where... What-?" She held her head as she sat up. She looked around, only to find herself in her living room, on her drab brown couch with Lily sprawled out on the floor, drooling and snoring in her sleep.  
  
"I'm home." Bran asked. She turned her head to the right to see her big screen playing LOTR theme music and the credits rolling by. "Wow... that was some fucked up dream..." She said, shaking her head and popping the LOTR DVD out of the player. She heard all thirteen of her cats mewing in the kitchen. "I know, I know! I'll feed you in a minute!" She called. She kicked Lily, who sat up quickly, screaming something that Bran's brain thought was "pickled feet!"  
  
Bran snorted. "C'mon we have to feed my cats."  
  
Lily looked confused for a moment. She looked around Bran's living room. It looked the same as always, dark with very little lighting, high wooden rafters, and decorated in completely black and dark purple. A shout came from upstairs; "Feed the children of the night!"  
  
"Okay Daddy!" Bran screamed up the stairs.   
  
"Bran, I had the weirdest dream. You won't believe it!" Lily exclaimed as they walked into Bran's oversized kitchen.   
  
"That's nothing! I had the most screwed up dream ever."  
  
The two girls talked and laughed until they reached Bran's refrigerator. All around the bottom, Bran's menagerie of cats were swarming, yowling loudly. On top, two scared looking elves were perched, and, on the counter-top, a shaggy looking man was standing, trying to fend off the felines with a frozen chicken.  
  
"Oh... Dear..."  
  
~~~~  
  
And that's the end of Romance, Emus, and Cereal Spoons! *prep voice* Like, Oh, My, God! I'm starting work on the sequel as you read this. I promise, it's non-stop hilarity. Now, before I give you a little preview of it, I'm adding the final disclaimer of RECS. I do not own LOTR. I really don't. Don't sue me.  
  
Now, prepare for THE SEQUEL OF SEQUELY-NESS! (I'm actually considering that as a title; do tell me how you like it). It's starring; Branwyn and Lily (of course), Legolas, Sulel, Aragorn (Oh goody), Snuffy (my good friend Green-and-Silver, read her stuff!), Gwen (Sam L.), Mary-Sue (Sam R.), and other random people, such as Vincent the Veloceraptor, Westley 'The Worm' Roberts, and Aunt Jemima. SO STAY TUNED!!!   
  



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